I hit pause and took some unplanned and therefore unexpected time out.
I had been feeling untethered and so I stepped away from the outside world.
I sat quietly with my breath and courted my thoughts.
Have you ever felt like you were running so fast in all the wrong directions? Doing all the things just the way other people told you to because you weren’t sure what else to do?
That was me.
I misplaced myself. I was caught up and lost touch with what I wanted from me. It was a feeling I did not enjoy even though it was a supersized invitation for me to shake up the game, and when I did, I found my way home.
I had become an inhabitant of a town called Doom, directed there by neglecting the compass that is me. I’ve been in a season of my life where significant life altering events have been abundant. Change has been the rule rather than the exception. I felt knocked off balance and desperate to steady myself.
In doing so I read more books, took more courses, listened to the podcasts and went to the teachers - all of the most excellent things. I have always loved and taken comfort in the process of expanding my knowledge and being open to deeper understanding of the limitless teachings and wisdom available to us on the planet. It seemed only fitting that during my personal turmoil I would align myself with consistent doses of the good stuff.
The success of this strategy is however deeply dependent on maintaining an internal reference point. If we are to benefit from consuming and absorbing information we must rely on ourselves to run it through our own context of experience to decipher how relevant and required it is for us at that point in our lives so we can take the best information from it.
As much as I am enamoured and dedicated to my role as a mother in my life and in this world taking in learning on newborns or babyhood is not so relevant for me now as my children are young women. I am no longer in this season as a mother, but that may change if I have another baby (TOTAL LOLs!) or if I become a grandmother.
Maybe because I felt so displaced, I lost the thread, I misplaced the needle on my compass. Maybe the relief of the distraction of reading the things, taking the courses helped me to feel better about my life feeling off course, it doesn’t really matter what it was. What is more important is that I have eventually been able to recognise my mis-step and correct my course by heading back inward.
I have loved the quietness that being immersed in finding my north star has made available, I have listened to long forgotten albums on repeat. The ones that punctuated special and challenging times, they helped me awaken parts of my spirit that responsibility had minimised.
I revisited the timelines of my life story which reminded me of my boldness and all the crazy things I have been courageous enough to say yes to because it didn’t matter if I failed - the experience was reward enough. I love that I was wise enough to see that once upon a time and I am so happy to be borrowing that perspective for myself once more.
These simple tools helped me to reattach myself after a life extended spell of turbulence. Each act of reconnection has made me grateful for the disturbances along the way, without them, I would not be in this season of renewed resolve.
I am feeling so much clearer than I have in the last five years. I am able to identify who I am and who I need to be in order to show up in the world through my work so that I can make a difference in the lives of those who trust me to guide them. That for me is a priceless gift I can put down to the combination of staying the course (however rocky it has been) along with a healthy dose of remembering who the egg I am!
Of course all of this theory was held together through the framework of my commune with the life force.
My breathing practice weaved its way through all of it. My grief, pain, confusion, apathy, disinterest, rejection, standing still and all the things now that are fresh to my mind. My breath made me showing up for myself and especially for my family and my work as a reasonable, strong and emotionally connected person possible. It helped me to make space for holding it all together at once. It helped me expand my capacity to be able to hold it all.
Now as I continue to walk the road of clarity, commitment to my work and constant curiosity of who I am and what is possible for me, I celebrate the companion that is my breath more and more loudly.
I share this with you as a reminder that your life is beautiful. All the scares, the pain and challenges along with all the fun, happiness, freedom and joy. ALL of it has a time and place. ALL of it holds treasure if we know how to look for it and look at it. And when we can continue to explore what we are capable of while life is lifeing - that’s the gold standard, the stuff dreams are made of.
I have been invited to remember that all of the changes, the learning, the disruption is put to best use and made most relevant when I hold it in reference to me, Me as in the main character in my life. I become more activated when I stay as close to my truth as possible instead of getting caught up in the dramas and all the distractions that will inevitably come along in life.
It’s good to be back!
Let the new era commence 💥